Postpartum & Suicidal Ideations

I watched my cursor blink for a long time before I found the words to start this post.

Last summer, by a happy accident — the kind of accident that always happens when you connect with generous and amazing people — I found out that two parents I had interviewed for Faces of Postpartum, Kaitlyn and Rachel, were old friends with Anna Medaris, a journalist from Insider who was writing an article for Maternal Suicide Awareness Week.

We connected over the phone, she asked a couple of questions about my postpartum story, I answered honestly (and some more), the summer passed, she got married (gorgeous), then the article was finally published.

It was the first time my words had been so directly connected with it: suicide.

When I spoke with Anna, I shared my story freely and passionately, walking around in my office, my arms up in the air. I hung up proud of what I had shared. Uneasy but proud.

It’s when I read the piece that it hit me: never before had I expanded on the ideations themselves. Sure, I’d spoken about the acuity of my depression, the meds I took and the psychiatric care I’d received.

But I had never said publicly how painful living had become after the birth of my first daughter. How lonely I had felt, and how existing didn’t seem to be worth all the suffering I was undergoing seemingly on my own.

As I said to Anna: “Taking an hour for yourself is harder than killing yourself — that's what it came down to.”

Photo by Heather Robinson (2020)

I don’t remember most of the things I told her that day. When I read the piece when it came out last week, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude — to still be here, to be thriving, to have received help and support — and also dread — what would people think of me? Do I sound weak? Crazy?

Because even though I’ve been in the advocacy field for a little over four years now, coming to terms with your own story is a whole other ballgame, much more arduous than welcoming, understanding, and caring for others.

There is still so much stigma surrounding suicide, especially maternal suicide. “How could a mother do that to her baby?” The shame and collateral damages that surround the very mention of the word (shadow banned on social media, costly when it comes to life insurance, dismissed by our very own families) often feel unsurmountable.

I’m grateful for Anna to have taken the time to write such an extensive and profound piece of journalism.

I’m grateful for those of you who’ll take the time to read the article and spread the word: suicide and suicidal ideations can very much be part of one’s postpartum experience. It shouldn’t be dismissed by your loved ones and missed by your providers.

Shedding light on such an issue is hard and painful. But much less so than losing a life. Not just a “mother’s” life. But a human one.