10 Things I've Learned From Building Faces of Postpartum (And Birthing Two Kids)

After doing this work, sitting down with you, and speaking with so.many.gorgeous.humans for a little over four years now, I thought I’d share the most significant lesson y’all taught me.

Here’s to many—many—more years and shared wisdom.

1. Everybody’s winging it

Every.single.one.of.us.

This summer, I went to my stepdad’s cabin. For the record, he’s a 60 something man who worked in jail as a guard and SWAT team chief for most of his life. He retired a couple of years ago after over 35 years of service and lives on his own on a remote island. The epitome of the rugged guy who seemingly figured out what he needs in life: peace, coffee, and a whole lot of wood to chop.

At dinner one evening, he handed me a spiraled notebook.

“Sometimes, when I don’t understand the world, I write down my thoughts,” he said to me.

And there it was, in the first entry: “I wish I knew what I was doing.”

No one knows. Not a single soul.

2. Kindness is best

I don’t know how else to articulate this: be kind. Even when you feel like someone has more than you. Help out if someone looks like she’s on the verge of bursting wide open at Target (true story). Don’t be a jerk on social media; there’s a human behind that square. Know that being kind is not just for their sake but yours too: it fills your cup and pushes you to be a better human.

Love is love is love.

You know the drill.

3. Practice makes passion… not perfection

I love this one. I only realized I had truly fallen in love with this work after many years of doing it. Same goes for literature (12 years of college and a couple more teaching it.) My husband calls it the “Ikea Effect”: if you care for something long enough and help build it, you’ll learn to love it.

Yeah yeah, it’s often tedious and boring. Keep doing it.

The same goes with children: it’s ok if you are not 100% in love with them at first sight. Love can be a learned skill. There is hope.

4. No one is watching

Literally no one. Sure, you’ll be judged and some might be vocal to you about it, but these people will move on and almost immediately forget what they told you. Don’t stay stuck with their bitterness. Only you know how to do you.

Embrace it.

5. Being enough was never meant to be a one-person’s job

My all-time favorite revelation. It’s not revolutionary, it’s just how humans are wired. We need a village, we need support; to be held, kissed, cared for, and loved. There is no way to do life gracefully on your own. None.

6. Just ask

For help, food, sleep, money, support, a job, a babysitter, friends, many friends, and love.

Not everyone will have what it takes to give you exactly what you need (and you should always reexamine why you have these people in your life… especially if they are crushing your spirit) but a little goes a long way.

Be open to rejection and failure, then move on.

And if you’re expecting a child, try to anticipate the needs in advance with a postpartum plan: to ask deep into vulnerability-town is not easy. In this case, practice does make perfection: it gets easier, and we get better at it!

7. Embrace your privileges… and pay them forward

No guilt, no simmering: just generosity.

Many of us live a life of excess (not excess in the sense of Las Vegas, but excess of food, shelter, comfort, and money.) Share that excess with others. Just like adding children to a family, the benefits of being generous and sharing our privileges multiply; they do not divide.

So share away. It won’t hurt you I promise.

8. Therapy is a necessity, not a luxury

This goes if you’re a parent, a creator, caregiver, mental health professional or just… human. Get yourself a therapist. Ask for a therapy fund at your baby shower, or set aside savings for it if your insurance does not provide it. Ask for a sliding scale (most therapists will accommodate that.) Our country needs to do WAY better when it comes to mental health, but it does not mean you should wait for your cup to be empty to reach out.

9. Your children become what you do, not what you say

This is an easy one but it still blows my mind each time I see my kids mimic a gesture or repeat one of my expressions. Kindness brings up kindness, grace calls for grace. We often think about our influence on our kids regarding others (say thank you, please, etc.) but what about towards ourselves?

This means honoring our body when it needs to rest, exercise, feed itself, and our mind when it needs a darn break (or a therapy session!) I openly talk to my kids about taking antidepressants and answer their questions honestly.

If I don’t care for myself, they won’t know how to do it for themselves later in life.

I cannot stress this enough: be who you would like your children to become.

10. Community over competition. Always.

Listen. I’ve had people reach out to pick my brain to know how to (re)produce the same project as mine. I’ve had photographers use my images without my consent and magazine editors write an article with almost the same exact wording as the story I had just pitched them and they rejected.

Still, move on, and empower those around you. The work will (hopefully) speak for itself. Sure, you’ve got to learn how to set healthy boundaries, but if you’re lucky enough to have your work recognized, share it with others. Hire diverse groups of people, reach out, get out of your comfort zone.

This can absolutely be applied to parenthood: talk to the mom next to you at the playground. Get her phone number. Ask how she’s doing today.

No one should care that your/her toddler knows how to draw within the lines before the age of 9 months old. Just be there for each other. This is not a race.