Story #78 - Partner-Partum Series - Jade, Québec (CANADA) - On Same-Sex Families, Insemination, Birthing Like a Warrior, Gender Stereotypes & Supportive Partners
The "Partner-Partum" series consolidates testimonies of partners about the postpartum of their loved-ones, as well as their own views surrounding this period.
Sophie always dreamed of being a mother, so it went without saying that she would be the first to carry our child. I'm also two years younger and I didn't feel like I was in a hurry. I've had many phases in my life where I wasn't even sure I'd like to be a mother and battled with a lot of fears throughout the years.
I don't like children in general and I was afraid I wouldn't be a good mom or feel connected to my kid. At the same time, I couldn't imagine myself without a family, so although I felt unsure at first, we went for it.
It took seven attempts to get Sophie pregnant. Overall, this isn't such a long time, but it was tiring for Sophie and me. It wore her down physically and emotionally while I had a hard time with the constraints of having a donor: you depend on another person, it's not at all intimate, and everything needs to be scheduled to a T.
But I was strangely calm during the many months the process lasted. Sophie had a lot of fears regarding her fertility or the insemination, but I decided to trust my instinct and to be a rock for her. I was sure it would end up working.
I admire her for going through this. I guess you have to see it as a baby-in-the-making. I'm curious to know how I will feel when it will be my turn.
Her pregnancy went well, but I still had concerns. I wondered if we'd be okay financially, how I would manage to become the mother of a child who didn't have my genes, or if he would turn our world upside down! I've always been the "mom" of many animals—I have a horse, which in itself is a lot of time and money!—and I think that caring for other beings helped me wrap my head about the changes that were about to hit.
I was excited about his arrival. Preparing his nursery and finding his name were beautiful experiences. I couldn't wrap my head around "talking" to him—to her belly?!—but we did other things. We listened to classical music together; I let myself "feel" him from the outside; she had him inside of her body, so my relationship with our son was evidently different. We were both so excited to welcome him and nine months was enough for me to adjust to the idea that we would soon become mothers.
Of course, I had some fears. They were not related to the baby, but to our professional and social lives. We were so busy and I often found myself exhausted. I worked with mothers who were always at the end of their rope and wondered if it would affect us the same way.
It will be strange to say, but having him did the exact opposite: suddenly, I was on maternity leave and I was able to slow down. I slept better than I ever did. If to have a kid relaxes me, imagine how crazy our lives before having him were!
(Family photo)
His birth at 36 weeks was a shock. Professionally, I wasn't ready and would have needed the additional month of preparation. It was challenging to come to terms with the fact that this baby was indeed coming, and it had repercussions during my entire parental leave. I work as a community worker in a CALACS [Sexual Assault Help and Response Centers], so it's not like I can put my work on hold and resume a couple of months later.
When I came back home on that Thursday and she told me she was having contractions, I was in denial. I went to work the following day crying, thinking we just had to get her to 37 weeks. But on Saturday, when it became obvious that we were having this baby, I accepted it. I thought there might be a reason why he wanted to meet us so soon.
His birth went well. I often say that I don't think I'll be able to give birth as gracefully as Sophie did it. She handled the pain like a warrior.
We had technics to help her ride the waves when she had contractions. It was such a beautiful moment despite seeing her in pain. You often hear dads or partners saying they felt helpless during birth. Not me. As a witness, you have to let go and not make it about yourself. This is her experience. To place your own ego forward and use your feeling of "helplessness" as an excuse is such a paternalistic way to treat birthing people. Pain is part of the experience; one has to expect it. I wasn't scared for my wife. She was in control, and I was there to support her.
I didn't watch the episiotomy, but I saw the baby come out. In all honesty, my first reaction was to think he was so ugly. I even asked to nurse, "Is he going to stay like that?!" He was all blue and misshapen. I knew it would pass, but that evening, I felt overwhelmed. I was incredibly emotional and felt dizzy from the experience. What if I had made a mistake? What if I didn't want to have anything to do with this child? I became nauseous and somewhat depressed. But the following day, the feelings were gone. We became euphoric. I looked at him that morning and it hit me: the love, the boundless love.
From that moment on and for two weeks straight, it was like being on a honeymoon. You only slept five hours in five days? Not a problem! The exhaustion hadn't kicked in yet, and I truly enjoyed my role at the hospital: while Sophie was recovering, I stayed strong and optimistic for both of us. Many people told us that the adaptation would be rough and debilitating, but I thought, "Nope! Not for us!"
And it wasn't.
I knew I would be able to cope and that we'd go through this together. Unsolicited advice and clichés piss me off. I wanted to prove them wrong, and I did. Birthing people and their partners don't have to be fragile and weak. Not that you don't feel these emotions, but they don't have to control you: we have to find ways not only to support new parents but also to make them feel powerful. Because we are.
(Family photo)
I clearly didn't have a preference regarding the sex of my child as gender stereotypes are among my biggest pet peeves. The number of people in our family circle who want him to play hockey is absurd. It annoys me so much. The only real benefit of having a boy is that he is less likely to experience sexism and sexual assault.
Sophie didn't want to raise a non-binary kid, so I was okay with raising him as a little boy, but with openness. We have to continually tell the grandparents that pink is okay for boys and that the imprint "I am a hero" doesn't have to be on every onesie. I just don't want him to be pressured to become something he doesn't want to be.
I'll be fine if he decides to play hockey, but not because every man in his life brought him a stick when he was six weeks old...
Sophie and I have been together for five years. Although it was a big adjustment to have a child, it's going well. We want to be a team, so we communicate often.
It took me a while to come out to my family. I was 21 when I first felt attracted to a woman and came out at 23. My parents didn't reject me, but I know it was hard for my mother, even though she loves me unconditionally.
I'm still sometimes afraid of what people might say, and that includes our son. I'm wondering how he'll react when he learns he has two moms and that I'm not biologically related to him. Will he want to know the donor? I'm hoping that if I carry his sibling, it won't be as challenging, but there's a lot of uncertainties. We should participate in homoparental activities to normalize his reference to same-sex families. Representation is everything. My wife and I are very hands-on, so I don't doubt we'll find a way to explain it to him.
Returning to work after three months of parental leave was incredibly hard. I am not a crier in life—I'm more in tune with my rage than my sadness!—but I cried every single day for two weeks.
I am lucky to work in an environment that allows me to adapt to our new reality progressively. My wife anticipated my return at work, so that was also a challenge. She wasn't sure if she'd be able to do it on her own. After he was born, I took the lead in many aspects of our lives. Now that's her turn to be "the expert" of our son and I knew she'd be great. I told her it would take her a week to master it all, and that's exactly what happened. But it's still hard to be away from him. Right now, he's really into smiling to Sophie but not to me. It hurts. I know it's not rational, but it plays into my fears of abandonment.
Everyone tells me that he's so small and won't remember, but I will. COVID also makes it so much harder because we are not spending as much time with our families as we'd like. We'll never get this time back. Everything changes so quickly when they're so tiny. I want him to see the world, not just his mothers and two dogs!
I'm really looking forward to raising a bigger family. Every new stage gets me excited for the next, all while also trying to enjoy every little bit as it happens. I'm grateful for everything we have and I get so emotional when I think of what Sophie and I are building together. It's such a beautiful surprise to feel so much love for another being.
Yesterday again, Sophie and I were talking about how perfect our son is. He set the bar high for the next kid! I really, really love being his mom.