Story #77 - Postpartum Pandemic Stories - Sophie, Québec (CANADA) - On Supporting a Pregnant Partner, Same-Sex Families, Sharing the Mental Load, Induced Lactation & Self-Care
Our son was a late preterm baby. He was due on February 20th, but he arrived on January 26th, at 36 + weeks.
I was still working as a government healthcare manager at the time. I went in for a routine appointment on Thursday, and they told me I was effaced, and that it could be "any day now!" I was stunned. In disbelief, really!
I went back home with cramps, but I thought it was only because of the cervical check. I took a bath and prepared a raclette for Jade and I. As it turned out, they weren't cramps but contractions. We went to the hospital when they were less than 5 mins apart, and after I'd lost my mucus plug. I wasn't progressing, so they sent us back home. They explained that if he was born before 37 weeks, he would have to get his blood drawn every three hours and be monitored for jaundice. I was devastated and spent the following day crying in bed. I tried talking to my body into not getting into labor. I wanted my mom there with me, but she was leaving that day for a ten-day trip to Mexico. On Saturday morning, we decided to go out and have breakfast.
When we came back home, my water broke. I took a deep breath, put my hands on my belly, and told our son, "It's okay if you want to come today. We're ready for you."
It wasn't entirely true, as not much in the house was ready for his arrival, but it's not like babies give you a choice! So we went with it.
I had a doula, and my sister also came to the hospital. My water had broken, but I didn't have any contractions, so they gave me Pitocin. I managed two hours of pain and then asked for the epidural. I was already in the mindset that it could take a while, so we took it easy. I was so lucky to have them there; it was a happy birth. I was able to rest, and we joked as we waited for him to get down the birth canal. Although nothing in my birth plan was respected (or went as I'd planned,) we somewhat had fun.
Then he got stuck. My doctor gave me a choice between tearing badly or getting an episiotomy, and although it was a shitty choice, I chose the latter. He came out in three pushes after that. It was strangely calm: he cried a little, and so did my Jade and I. My sister watched me give birth the same way she watches a TV show: captivated and munching on popcorn. It was hilarious.
Although he was just 36 weeks, he weighed 7.1 pounds, and we were able to keep him in the room. Overall, it was a lovely birth, lively and fun.
We stayed at the hospital for five days, but I think we only slept five hours. Our son's glycemia was initially off, and we went through two cycles of 72hrs to get it under control. He also ended up with jaundice and had to be put in an incubator with the little face mask. When I saw him in there, it was too much. I started crying and didn't stop for 36 hours. In life, I'm a pretty optimistic person, but that was rough. I know it's minor in the grand scheme of things, but when it's your baby, it's a whole other ballgame. My partner and I were both crying so much that the pediatrician discharged us for "psychological reasons" and gave us a UV blanket to bring home. I'm grateful for that.
The first few days were absolute madness. They kept telling me that our son wasn't gaining weight, and I felt like a failure. I'd set up an alarm every two hours. We tried the nipple shield and the syringe. Taking a shower was impossible. We had a notebook and would record every poop and pee. It was like being in the military... on top of being sleep deprived.
My partner undertook a protocol to induce lactation throughout my pregnancy, and she was also able to breastfeed him. She continuously took her birth control for nine months and then stopped when he was born. The sudden drop of hormones, combined with Domperidone and pumping her milk with a hospital-grade pump, induced lactation.
It was pretty amazing to have a second pair of breasts to help out! She never produced as much as I did, but she would feed him twice a day and do on-demand snacking. She'd also pump every time I'd feed him.
When we got his weight under control, my episiotomy reopened, and I had insane pain for a week and a half. I was afraid it'd get infected.
Then after that, I went into septic choc with endometritis. I was freezing but thought it was just our house insulation. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I might be sick. I'd breastfeed him at night shivering. When I almost blacked-out in the kitchen, I went to the hospital. Because of the kind of work I do, I knew it was serious when they whisked me into the shock room. I had tachycardia, and my blood pressure plummeted. I'm not sure if it was retained product stuck in my uterus, but they gave me IV antibiotics, and I got better quickly.
The CLSC nurses also came for their weekly visits, and I was grateful for them. They make sure you don't forget to take care of yourself.
I became a little depressed, and I needed to hear that there was a life beyond breastfeeding, changing diapers, and entertaining your infant.
Before I had him, I was that "busy" person: incredibly involved at work with many responsibilities, playing deck hockey three times a week, and super active on the weekends... then it felt like everything disappeared overnight.
I was envious of my partner for being able to see her horse and recharge in nature. It was a huge adaptation to go in for a routine check-up, learn I was effaced, then have a baby three days after. The change of identity was drastic, and I think I was very naive about what it implied. I thought I'd have time to prepare for his arrival, but in the end, there's no way to be 100% ready.
The hardest part was definitely self-care: I felt guilty for napping while others would care for him. When he cried, I thought, "I should go!" although I know Jade is a perfect mother. But it hurt from the inside. At the same time, you can't be caring for an infant if you're at the end of your rope.
I think that being two women in this adventure makes a huge difference. Jade extended her parental-leave by working one day a week, so instead of five full weeks, she was able to stay with us for three months. It was critical to our well-being as a family, and I don't know how other parents do it. We would hear from friends whom husbands would only take two weeks so they could take the other three during the summer to go on vacations, and I didn't know how they were coping.
Same-sex couples statistically tend to share the mental load more equitably, and we fit in these stats. We are two moms, and it makes a difference: we are both super focused on our son. We don't let him cry and are proactive when it comes to his well-being.
Jade works at a non-profit that helps victims of sexual abuse. We are both feminists and aware of the importance of a shared mental load. She is incredibly sensitive. While I was recovering from his birth, she looked after him and paid attention to his body language: she learned the warning signs for his hunger or fatigue and then reported them to me. It made my life so much easier to share the learning curve with someone else!
I felt extremely vulnerable and out of it after his birth, and she took over his care, all while making me feel safe. She comforted me when we had rough days, and went down the rabbit hole of the "best practices" with me as we were obsessively wondering what to do with our son, ha! We shared everything, even in the thick of it.
In a way, I feel indebted to her. We agreed to each carry a child of our own, and I hope to be up to her level when that happens.
I will have one year of maternity leave. I surely didn't imagine spending it indoor because of a pandemic. I thought I'd do cardio-poussette and activities outside the house. My mom has been waiting to be a grandmother for so long; it breaks my heart that she's not spending as much time as she wants with her grandson.
It's the first time of my life I will not work for one whole year. My professional identity has been fundamental to me, and to decentralize this side of my personality has been a challenge. That being said, I can't imagine going back to work in these conditions. My family is the main priority right now.
Jade went back to work recently. It was hard at first. I know she felt a lot of guilt. I also can't imagine sending him to daycare right now. It stresses me so much. We're thinking about involving my mother when the time comes, and we're already planning our schedules based on that. We want a family structure that will be fair, balanced, and fun for both.
We are a partnership that does well in times of crisis. We will argue on where to put the salt and pepper in the kitchen, but never about important issues. We flipped a house together and never fought once.
I'm trying to put into perspective my experience of motherhood. It's f*cking hard sometimes—sleep-deprivation in particular—but every day is another day at trying. Each day gets better. Breastfeeding is easier; our son is less fragile and interacts with us.
Tomorrow is another day, right? Even when there's a pandemic raging outside. We'll take the time to know our son and recognize what matters and what doesn't. Everything goes by quickly, and it can be a challenge to dive into what it means to become a mother. It doesn't just fall onto your lap when you give birth. It's a process. I'm lucky to have a partner who complements me so well.
We nurture and support each other so that we can be the best mothers to our son. And that makes me very proud.