Story #62 - Postpartum Pandemic Stories - Jane, North Carolina (USA)
With motherhood, not all of it is amazing. But we need to talk about it to feel free.
I have two baby girls: three and one-year-old.
My first birth was traumatic. I didn't know I was in labor because I had been in pain my whole pregnancy. I was 40 weeks and one day. When I imagined having a baby, I thought it'd be like in the movies, you know? The woman is screaming, and that's when she knows she has to go to the hospital. It didn't happen like that. When I got to the birthing center, my contractions were 7 minutes apart, and I was 4 or 5 centimeters dilated. I got into the tub, and my contractions stopped. When I got out, it was so much worse. My cervix got swelled up, and I was in labor for 22 hours. I was angry with the length. We tried different positions. I had planned for a water birth, but it didn't work that way. Everyone was touching me, but no one told me to calm down or soothed me. I was scared. It felt terrible, very traumatic.
Then the baby came. I had trouble breastfeeding her. My nipples were bleeding. It was awful.
Postpartum depression slowly set in after, but I was in denial. My midwives and I talked about it at my six weeks appointment. I was pretty sure I'd get passed it, but I didn't. I felt so lonely. Breastfeeding was still painful; it felt like I was the only one able to soothe her. I didn't pump. I don't know why. I couldn't go anywhere.
Fast forward to today. I got pregnant again in 2018, but I miscarried. I was less than nine weeks pregnant, and at first, I thought I didn't need this pregnancy on top of the depression. But I began to feel connected to this baby, so when I lost it, I felt even more depressed. I got pregnant again a month later, and I was like, "I'm not even done mourning!" I became more and more defeatist. I thought I'd lose her too. But I didn't. And she came.
I didn't go to the doctor during my pregnancy. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I had to watch two other kids, twins from someone in my family. Something happened, and the mother decided she didn't want to be with the kids anymore. They asked me to care for them for three or four weeks or until they got their life together. It ended up being more like six months, on top of being pregnant and having to care for my own daughter. Again, I couldn't go anywhere, and my anxiety spiked.
I felt fine during my pregnancy. My baby was moving, and I always paid attention to that.
On my oldest's birthday, I thought I was having Braxton hicks, but they turned out to be the real deal. We celebrated her and then I asked my boyfriend to start a bath. I did a lot of hypnobirthing during my pregnancy to prepare for delivery, and it helped a lot. It was just the two of us. I free birthed her in six hours, and I had my water birth. I truly believe women should be at home to give birth. Someone should come to us instead of women having to get up and walk around after they give birth. People call me crazy, but I was in control. Nobody can stop a woman from delivering her child. In the end, what's the difference between unassisted birth and having your baby in your car on the way to the hospital? I was relaxed and didn't feel too much pain. It felt so good, and it was an amazing experience.
I went back to being a stay-at-home-mom. It is truly the most unappreciated job out there. I often asked my boyfriend to take them out so I could rest, but because the baby needed to feed, it never happened. Breast isn't always best when it's so draining. They want to be on you all the time—kids and boyfriend.
My libido was very low, and I was so tired. The depression didn't help, of course. But it doesn't work like that for men. A man is never too tired for that. He's too tired to start a bath and care for the kids, but not for that. I don't get it. We couldn't make it work. I used to live in Raleigh, but now I'm staying with my mother. My boyfriend is out of the city.
(Family photo)
I thought when I'd get here that I'd get a job, get the kids into daycare. Now I'm not sure what to do now. Should I hold off? Go anyway? The state is about to shut down on Monday. We'll be able to go to the grocery store, but that's it. I don't have any money. My boyfriend sends some, but I'm ready to provide for myself. I don't want to feel like I'm at the bottom anymore.
I went to see a therapist the other day, and I told her I was ready to get on medication. I've been fighting it, but now I've got to do something. At the same time, I felt I had to watch myself and be careful about what I said. Like, I get so angry sometimes, and I'm not sure I could say that without sounding like I'm a bad person. I'm afraid they'll take my kids.
It's hard to talk about rage without being judged. I know I'm a great mother, but when you have that type of thoughts... it's scary. A couple of weeks ago, I thought of throwing her on the wall, and I started crying. I didn't tell anyone. I just asked my boyfriend to hold her. Even when I breastfeed, I sometimes get so angry. I can't let her go up there sometimes.
Now, it's more complicated because of the virus, but I still want to do it. The more I get stressed out, the more I'm on edge, especially with my three-year-old. I don't want her to see me as a snappy parent. Of course, when daddy got home, it was always "Daddy daddy!" and she never gave him a hard time. It feels unfair.
I have another appointment with the therapist via Skype in a week and a half. I'm not sure I can talk to her. Like, can I trust her? She's white, so can she relate to me? Maybe she can refer me to someone else. I'm in the process of getting Medicaid. She told me the other day that my anxiety seemed to be between "mild to moderate," but I often feel it's way more. To start the day is so difficult sometimes. It's the little things: what should they wear? What are they going to eat? My daughter is gluten intolerant. She has awful stomach pain and is bloated, but when I went to the doctor, they told me it was nothing and didn't take me seriously. I know my child.
My trust in health care providers is broken, so it's a little difficult to get help. We'll see. I'm trying to see the good sides, like, breastfeeding is great in times of crisis. I see all these people trying to get formula, and there's none left. I'm blessed to be nursing, as bad as it is sometimes.
My mom still has a job, so it's also good. The place is closed to the public right now, but the workers go in. I'm telling her to be careful. Wash her hands, I guess. I really wanted to get a job when I moved here, but now I'm scared to go out and look for one. It's a bad time.
I tried to talk to her about all of this, but she doesn't really get it. I don't blame her. It's generational. But I know that if you open up, you feel better. I used to say, "I'm okay, I'm okay" all the time, but not anymore.
Now it's time to heal.