Story #61 - Postpartum Pandemic Stories - Sara, Reston VA (USA)
Before this virus became a thing, I had started to wean my twelve-mont-old son off the breast. I wanted to do it slowly and gently, but he got a stomach bug a little bit before we started social distancing, and we were pretty much back to nursing non-stop day and night for three full days. It was hard not only because I was tired of tending for a vomiting child, but I was also so sick of nursing and looking forward to when he'd get better.
Then the whole COVID-19 hit.
The thing is, when we're inside, he just wants to nurse. We usually try to go out and about, do playdates, I go to the gym, or I'm working and he's with his babysitters. But if we're stuck and bored at home, he wants to nurse.
In a way, the quarantine brought this whole new level of exhaustion because even after he got healthy, he kept the same nursing pace. I was talking on the phone with my nephew the other day, and he asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, "I want nobody to touch my boobs."
Right now, my son is attached to me 24hrs, and that makes me resent him a little. Resentment is definitely not something you want to feel towards your child. And it adds up to the already stressful situation.
My husband is a strength coach for the Redskin and usually works atypical and long hours. He travels a lot throughout the year. I'm a Pilates instructor, and I'm generally out of the house when he's in, and we tag-team for our son's care. It's not as if we can work from home! This is the way our relationship has worked since the beginning, and we apprehended this quarantine. The three of us are now living all together in a one-bedroom apartment with two cats. We were afraid we'd take it on the other person and... that's what happened.
It's always the little things that become a trigger. You're bored, stressed, and tired, so you fight.
Today was our first quarantine day, and we struggled a lot. Of course, I can't tell you what started it all, but it makes you question things: does it mean I can't be with my husband? What are we going to do if we can't live together? It becomes big.
Then you talk to other people and realize it's not just you.
But it's hard. It's hard to be gentle with yourself and to others around you.
Earlier today I was sitting here and felt guilty. I mean, here I am, home, reading a book. What real stress do I have? I started making excuses: "if only I had a yard or more space, if only I could work from home, or create something for myself." I just wanted someone to tell me what to do and give me a task to put my energy towards something and not go crazy.
I've never done well with uncertainty. I already knew that because of my husband's job and because we're moving all the time. It's one of my biggest stress.
But that's all there is right now: uncertainty. Everything is changing so fast, and I'm wondering, like the rest of the world, how long is this pandemic going to last? It's easy to tell my family or my friends who are freaking out because they're getting married this summer that everything's going to be fine, but is it? You can't think about future plans, but what else do you have to do?
This morning I tried something different and went for a run. I don't think I had done that in two years. That felt good. I was going crazy at home. It was raining, but around noon, my baby was sleeping on my husband's chest, and I decided to leave the house. By myself. It's incredible what it does to your mind. Keeps you sane. On a regular day, I'd be watching trash tv with my free time because I want to relax and not use my brain. But now it's different. My brain is overworked, so I have to find other outlets.
I guess that's the silver lining of this situation: to be able to do what you wish you'd be doing any other day.
That and doing a lot of experimenting with mixed drinks and food.
Speaking of which, I'm having a vodka sour right now. Here's the recipe.
Sour Mix
Simple syrup (1 cup of sugar for 1 cup of water)
Lemon juice (1 cup)
Lime juice (1 cup)
As much alcohol as you want. Keep pouring until it's good.
Cheers!