Story #53 - Duffy, Sunderland MD (USA)
I had tried to get pregnant for six years before we conceived Olive. At the time, my husband and I had just gotten back together after being apart for two months.
We were supposed to be married and then split up because of his addictions. I'm a huge believer that things happen for a reason, and that split sparked something in him. He got clean during that hiatus, and although it wasn't completely smooth sailing afterward, we were both on this new kind of life: no drinking, exercising, eating right.
We got back together around Christmas of 2012, and seven months later, I became pregnant with Olive. We didn't plan it like that because we had tried for so long and never had any luck, so we didn't think it was even a possibility. The changes we made in our lives might have helped, or it might've been fate. Either way, it was the perfect timing, like something we didn't know we needed until we got it.
We were extremely happy. Still a little shook to have spent time apart, trying to get to know each other in a different light, but that pregnancy put us right back where we were supposed to be as a couple. In a way, that was confirmation we were meant to be together.
The pregnancy was easy in itself. I had issues with weight, as I've had my entire life. I was scared to death to put on weight, and I think I might have put on a total of eight pounds because I couldn't relax with eating.
The day she was born, I had been leaking fluids, thinking I had just peed myself. But my husband called the doctor and told on me that something was happening, and I wasn't reaching out to them. I was maybe a week away from my due date, and I'd just gone on maternity leave. I was not going to sit in the hospital until it was time to give birth! But Steve is more intense than I am about that kind of stuff.
Of course, my doctor's office called and insisted that I came, and sure enough, they admitted me right away. Coincidentally, my doctor was there that day and said, 'Oh well, you're here anyway, so we'll induce you in the morning.' I was pretty annoyed because nothing was going on, but my body went into labor that night, and my water broke at two o'clock in the morning. In the end, it worked out the way it was supposed to.
Everything went well, and I felt really good after I had her. Giving birth gave me this sort of wonder woman feeling. I was talking to people, wanting to walk around. Of course, you then go home, don't sleep for days, and feel like crap again! But right after birth, it was great.
We spent about seven days at the hospital because she had jaundice. Nothing extreme, so we were lucky with that, too. I think I'm good at putting life into perspective and knowing when to be grateful. Even when silly things happen, I still try to see the bright side.
We couldn't wait to be home and to hang out in bed all day, especially after seven days at the hospital. But when we finally got there, we pulled the sheets back, and it was a litter box: our cat had peed all over our bed. We could have cried. We had a steam cleaner and a treatment, but we couldn't be in our bed for seven days. So we spend our first week with our newborn sleeping on the couch.
Olive was doing great, and jaundice was our only hiccup. My husband stayed with me for two weeks—one at the hospital, one on the couch! I had her in March, so it rained a lot every day, and we would sit on the couch and chill with her. Everything was so relaxed, and to watch their bond grow was so sweet. He’s been wrapped around her little finger since her birth!
It’s quite amazing because my husband has a terrible past. His dad is not in his life, and things are awful with his mom, but he's got a fantastic stepmom. He was lucky to have her. So, to see him being the way he is with his daughter is everything. It's not a surprise to me at all because I know how great he is, but it could have gone a very different way.
After Steve went back to work at the shop [Duffy and her family own multiple Red Octopus Tattoo shops in Maryland], I stayed home for six more weeks. I watched the entire Game of Thrones, and I would try to go on walks whenever it stopped raining. In my mind, I still needed to do something to lose the pregnancy weight. Things started to feel normal after a while, and it was time to get back into the swing of things at work.
We would bring her with us at first. She'd sleep in a little pack and play or hang out in an exerciser. Steve had her once a week, I took her twice, and my mom kept her every Tuesday. It was awesome. When she got older, we'd let her roam around because she always preferred to be put down onto the floor and never was big on snuggling.
It became harder to work at some point because I was distracted by her fussing, but we made it work for six months, much longer than I thought it'd last. The transition from having her at the shop to not be with her all day was tough. I had to find a sitter who wasn't family, but I have a lot of friends who have little sisters, and I found an awesome girl. She came directly into my home, so it made it easier. I'm a little intense when it comes to how I want things done; it's an OCD thing of mine, and giving up control is hard. I'm a list maker, my schedule is all over the place, but she didn't quit, so it's good!
Olive was about eight months old when I started to get phone calls to be on the Ink Master show. They contacted me to go in as a pair, and I went in for an interview with another artist from my shop, but it didn't work out.
One month later, I randomly got a phone call from a tattoo artist friend of mine. He said, ‘I have something crazy to ask: if you had a chance to go on the show Ink Master with me, would you?’ And I said, ‘Well I have something crazy to tell you: I’ve already talked to them!’
We did phone interviews, and because it is a reality TV show, I had to do a psych evaluation. I don’t think they care if you’re crazy or not—it’s almost better for them if you are—but it’s part of the process. By then, I still didn’t know if they’d pick us. In a way, I was secretly hoping it wasn’t going to happen because my body was so young, but I still went through the motions, and our application was accepted.
Everybody told me that I’d be silly not to go, that Olive wouldn’t remember that I was gone and that it’d be great for the company. In my heart, I knew all this; it was not her I was worried about, it was me! But my husband kept telling me not to worry, that he’d take care of everything, and so did my mom, my sisters, brothers… everybody! How could I say no? So I went.
Olive was still sleeping the morning I left for the show. I drove up to Jersey, got to my hotel, and I spent the rest of the day crying in my room. I couldn't believe what I'd just done. Then the following morning, the excitement happened: I met with the other cast members, I filmed, but still, I went back to my room and cried in bed. I felt stuck.
I thought, 'I signed a contract, I'm here, my baby's not, now what?' I felt miserable for about two weeks, and then I had to snap out of it. I had signed up for this, we'd already eliminated four or five people, and I was still there. I would take the time to talk or text with my family every day, but by the end of most days, I was so exhausted than rather than crying myself to sleep, I'd pass out. The next day, we would do it all over again.
Weeks passed, and I was still in the competition. I somehow didn't expect to make it passed Olive's first birthday, but I did. I woke up that morning thinking, 'It's a day like any other, don’t make a big deal out of it. Do what you have to do, and then you can go back to your hotel room and be sad.' But everybody on the show knew and kept reminding me. The producers probably used her birthday as another way to make sure the viewers knew I was a mom. I like to think they did it so people could sympathize with me, but I guess it also made for good TV.
I stayed in the competition for a couple more weeks and was eliminated in April. I remember it was after Easter because I'd missed that too. My husband had sent me this picture of him, Olive, and one of our friends with the Easter Bunny. Two dads, their little girl, and a giant rabbit! She had the most awful outfit on, something like sweatpants and a dress. It's bittersweet to look at that picture today; all I see is me being away, and her being with them, so happy.
In total, I was on the show for ten weeks. The day it ended, I called my husband and asked him to come and pick me up. He packed everything, and he arrived in Jersey around 4 a.m. I remember opening the hotel room door and seeing Steve holding her in her carrier. I was so excited to see her, and she had this look on her face like she didn't recognize me, which had been my biggest fear. She was probably just confused, but my heart sank.
I tried to take it down a notch, and they came in. He took her out of the carrier, she clung to him, and we all went to bed.
When we woke up later that morning, she had her arms wrapped around my neck. Everything felt normal again. She hadn't forgotten me after all. It was such a relief.
The first two days after I came back, I didn't feel normal. I was physically in Maryland, but my head was still in Jersey, expecting to have somebody waking me up, telling me where I needed to be, and how fast I needed to get ready. It was such a well-oiled machine than when you come home, you feel so out of it.
When I got eliminated, I was bailing. I finished top 5, and by that point, I had developed a relationship with the crew, the judges, and the other contestants. But I couldn't stop crying. The judges were like, 'You did great, you should be proud of yourself, don't be sad!' And I said, 'I'm just so happy to go home!' Then you go home, and you think, 'This is bullshit, I wish I could still be up there!' It's like going through different stages of grief. You go from one extreme to the other, and you have a hard time transitioning back into your regular life and finding your spot again.
It's weird because strangers still walk up to me and ask, 'How's baby Olive?' In a way, that moment of my life is stuck in time because it was filmed, and that's the only thing people remember, even though my daughter is six now.
I'm grateful that no one seems to think of me as this monster who thought a TV show was more important than her baby. Before you do something like that, you are told that you'll have to brush it off, but luckily I didn't get a lot of backlashes. There was a sense of normalcy about me, and I think they could tell I was having a hard time. To this day, there are still people telling me: ‘That episode where you missed your daughter's birthday… my heart broke for you!’ It's always so sweet. It restores your faith in humanity!
In retrospect, it is such a minuscule amount of time for what it does for your career if you use it the right way. Red Octopus is a family business. We've been around since 1992, and to have the opportunity to make the shop shine and to give all the employees more work: why not!?
After that, life went on.
My husband and I started trying again for another baby when Olive was about two, and since then, we just haven't had any luck. Well, we've had lots of luck, but never a successful pregnancy. I'm starting to think, 'Is this a sign? Is this our cue to be happy with what we have?'
This is where we are right now, trying to figure out what our next step is as a family. I’m seeing a specialist, taking new supplements and medications. We’re exploring our options.
I try not to stress over things that I can't control, and having miscarriages is one of those things. I have no idea why, medically, I keep having them. It's happened about five times now. Five times that I know for sure.
I know I’m lucky to have Olive, and I’m aware many people don’t have that chance. But it also gets old to go through the motion of thinking that your life is about to change, and then, 'Nope, just kidding!’ I guess when it comes to having children, you have to put things into perspective and be okay with whichever way it goes.
And if Olive is an only child, we'll have been truly blessed. We'll spoil the crap out of her. She already rules our house anyway!
This interview was conducted in September of 2018. On May 6, 2019, Duffy, Steve, and Olive welcomed baby Sunny. She and her big sister reign over the house together.
You can find Duffy and her art here.