Story #70 - Postpartum Pandemic Stories - Morgan, Wylie TX (USA) - On Having a Baby During COVID, Loneliness, Support, Feeding Issues, Guilt & Grief
I had my baby on March 9, but I labored for two weeks before I was admitted to the hospital. I was 70% effaced and 3 cm with contractions every 6 to 7 minutes. For two weeks. I spent every moment I could in the bathtub.
I expected him to come early because my first two sons arrived at 36 weeks plus. At 38 weeks + 6 days, I went to my doctor and asked to be induced because I couldn't deal with the pain anymore. He said he wasn't allowed to because I wasn't 39 weeks or 4 cm dilated. But he did a swap and sent me home. Told me that luckily it would get me to the 4 cm required by the hospital to admit me. After that, he said, he'd be able to do whatever he wants.
It worked. I got a room at 4:45 pm that day. They ruptured my water and gave me Pitocin. I got the epidural, pushed twice, and he was born at 7:13 pm.
We had to stay for 48 hours because he tested positive for jaundice, and I had Strep B but didn't receive enough antibiotics, so he had to be under observation. I was allowed to have visitors, so I'm grateful for that. I can't imagine going in and then being told no one can attend the delivery or come to visit afterward. But it was still exhausting. I had him in the evening, and by the time my parents and kids left, my husband had to go home to take a shower, change his clothes, and get something to eat. He didn't come back until 2 am, so I didn't get to have a peaceful evening with him and the new baby just cuddling and bonding.
My mom was supposed to sleep at the hospital with me on the second night, but she left, so I was alone then too.
We finally went back home on Wednesday, and by the end of the week, the state locked everything down.
Between the postpartum hormones and my anxiety, it's tough to be home.
All the stores are out of groceries, and we can't order anything. I asked my mom to get food for us, and she had to go to multiple stores to get what we needed. It's hard because it took her five days to put the money back into our account, and we couldn't get more groceries in the meantime. It's stressful.
My older kids are six and nine, and my parents were initially supposed to keep them for the weekend, but my husband had to go in to help because it was too intense for them to deal with two kids. My mom owns a bingo home, but they closed down because it's nonessential entertainment. She kept my eldest for another week while the middle kid came back here for schooling stuff. That's helping.
But now that they don't go to school anymore, teaching is something else I have to deal with. My husband is essential, so he goes to work every day, but he has no contact with the public, which is good. I know it sounds selfish, but most days, I wish he wouldn't be considered essential, so he could stay with us and help me. I'm grateful he has a job, but I thought he'd get to be home longer.
The other thing that is killing me is that my baby has a lip-tie, but they won't schedule him because it's considered elective surgery. I can't see a lactation consultant either because I can't go anywhere and no one can come here. I don't want to stop breastfeeding because I feel it's the only way I can keep him safe.
He wants to eat all the time because he probably doesn't get as much milk as he should when he feeds. During the day, it's every 30 minutes. We had to supplement because he was falling behind in his first week. That really screwed us up. I tried the nipple shield, and he does great with it. But I need a smaller one, and they don't have them in store, which means that I need to order one. But every delivery takes forever to come. So to be able to make myself something to eat or do the schooling with the others, we still give him formula. I know I'm producing enough milk, but he can't get it because of the lip-tie. I feel bad because I figured that with everything going on, breastfeeding is one way to make sure he's ok.
Formula would be easier for everybody, but I feel too guilty to do it.
I'd also forgotten how hard it is to have a newborn. My youngest is six. This third boy is a surprise baby. I only have one tube, and I didn't think we'd have another one. Before this, I had an ectopic pregnancy. Had I not caught it in time, I would have bled and died. Between that and going years without getting pregnant, I definitely didn't think it would happen.
The pregnancy was hard. I had finally put my younger kid in kindergarten and was going to be able to focus on my own self-care. I was also scared this was going to kill me, and I was pretty depressed for the majority of my pregnancy. I feared I would have a hard time bonding. But he got into the uterus and didn't kill me. I had issues stretching and moving because of previous abdominal surgeries for hernia, so that was rough. Then I thought maybe it would be a girl. It wasn't. I fought a lot of guilt about that.
I knew once he'd come I'd love him. But I really worried about that for a long time.
Now that he's here, I do love him. It's great, and it's also a challenge.
At this pace, nobody will meet him until his first birthday.
I feel like the bad guy because I'm not allowing anyone to come. People are mad at me because I'm trying to keep my baby and my family safe.
My brother is an EMT paramedic and does care flights. When the baby first came home, a couple of days before the lockdown, he and his fiancé offered to come and visit. They said they wanted to bring us something, but I had to say no. I don't think my brother cared that much, but I know she did. If I say yes for a drop-off, I'm afraid I'll feel obligated to invite her in.
It breaks my heart.
I already thought I didn't stand a chance as it was mentally, because of how hard the pregnancy was, but now the situation really doesn't help. The pandemic and the lip-tie are killing us. The few minutes I have, I can't even pee because I have to care for my older kids. I feel robbed to get to learn my new baby. I don't get to lie down with him or cuddle.
On April 20th, I'll be six-weeks postpartum. I was supposed to go at three weeks because I had an episiotomy, but I didn't because of the virus. I got a call yesterday from my OB telling me that I can't bring anyone to the appointment, not even the baby. I was like, "Ok, well, that's terrifying: I can't give him to a babysitter, he's breastfed..." But I don't have any choice because the state insurance only covers you up to two months after the baby's born. I don't have the option to wait.
I'd already hoped I could go in at three weeks because I was struggling mentally.
I think I'm pretty level headed, but I'm overwhelmed right now. I am trying hard to fight it.
My husband doesn't believe in counseling except for others and isn't comfortable about telling our problems to a stranger. But I don't think he understands, even if he supports me. He's trying, though. He has two older children from a previous marriage. His son works at Walmart, so if he can't find something, like formula, he asks his son to be on the lookout and tell him the stock. At least now, we don't have to make five or six trips to the store each week and risk getting something back home. There's Lisoll in the garage and hand sanitizer outside the door. As soon as he arrives, he strips down, changes his clothes, washes his hands, and takes a shower. We can't take any chances.
Between having to find food, managing kids, and worrying if we'll get sick, it's just a constant struggle.